Collaborative conflict
What do you think of when you hear the word ‘conflict?’
Lots of yelling, slammed doors or violent outbursts? If the word 'conflict' makes you want to run away then keep reading.
I frequently observe clients who prioritise conflict avoidance above all else, often resorting to silencing themselves and the suppression of their own emotions and voice. The dread of explosive conflict outweighs the desire for self-advocacy, leading to silence and shame.
Though we might think we're avoiding trouble, unaddressed conflict slowly but surely damages our family relationships, breeding a silent, burning resentment born from unmet needs and desires. If we don't communicate, how can anyone know when they've wronged or hurt us?
If you're silencing yourself, are those around you doing the same?
Is 'peace' in your family built on unspoken sacrifice? Are your family relationships shaped by the shadows of unspoken words, with the silent agreement that no one should rock the boat? Our silence signifies a repeated failure to honor our need for self-expression and advocacy. This pattern of not standing up for ourselves can detrimentally impact our self-esteem and how we value ourselves within our closest relationships. Consequently, the repeated withholding of our feelings when wronged amounts to a form of self-neglect.
Genuine connection hinges on truth, regardless of the initial discomfort. By concealing your feelings, you avoid vulnerability. The reality is though that speaking up, is an act of vulnerability, and whilst it isn’t easy, it is vital. Conflict allows relationships to deepen through the challenging, yet strengthening, process of rupture and repair.
What do you do about it?
Consider conflict as a catalyst for growth. We need it for critical thinking. Without it, how do we progress and foster positive change? This might sound idealistic, but that's the power of conflict…it doesn't have to lead to destruction. Transforming your relationship with conflict has far-reaching effects, not only for you but for your environment. When you model healthy conflict resolution, you empower others to do the same, creating a powerful ripple effect. Others see the positive impact that self advocacy can have, and immense power of truth and vulnerability in their closest relationships.
But how!??
How about this? Next time someone says something you don't agree with or that hurts you, just think, “What would I say if I felt safe, and there were zero repercussions to having said it?”
You don't have to say it right then and there. If you can't come up with anything, that's okay, take a breather, think about it later. This allows you to lean into your needs…perhaps you need to tell them that their comments hurt you, or you need to re-establish a boundary about what is and isn’t an acceptable way to speak to you or behave towards you. Then build up to actually saying some of these things out loud…ease yourself in…
You are seated in a restaurant but would prefer the table by the window…ask for it.
You are at a friends, feel tired and want to leave earlier than agreed…let them know you’re tired and need to go home earlier.
You’re driving with your partner and they’re playing the radio really loudly and you have a headache…tell them you have a headache and ask if you can turn it down/turn it off.
These suggestions themselves may still seem daunting but the stakes are low and it’s ok to walk before you run.
The first few times you voice your needs or objections, it may feel daunting and bring about feelings of shame….ride it out, as it will pass. If you keep challenging yourself to step out of your conflict avoidance comfort zone, these feelings will start to subside. With consistent practice, it becomes easier, and the internal voice of shame will diminish, replaced by a self-affirming voice that says, 'I support you.'