Your worry, my burden: Why saying I’m worried about you, might be doing more harm than good.
“I’m Worried About You.”
It sounds simple. Kind. Thoughtful. But for someone already struggling with their mental health, this phrase can land like a heavy weight.
Again and again, I hear clients describe how being on the receiving end of this well-intentioned sentiment made them feel ashamed, overwhelmed, or like a burden.
They internalise the message:
“Now I’m not only letting myself down—I’m letting someone I love down too.”
Instead of feeling cared for, they feel responsible for someone else’s emotional reaction to their pain.
When Your Worry Becomes Their Shame
Worry, although natural, often reflects our own discomfort—not the actual needs of the person we’re concerned about.
And while it's okay to care deeply, voicing worry doesn’t always help—especially when that person is already anxious, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained.
When you say “I’m worried about you,” you may unknowingly shift the emotional burden onto them, and now they’re carrying not just their own struggle, but yours too.
What Are You Really Trying to Say?
Ask yourself:
Are you expressing love?
Do you want to help?
Are you trying to influence their behaviour?
Do you feel their actions are affecting you?
If so, own those feelings with clarity and honesty, rather than masking them behind vague worry.
Better Alternatives to “I’m Worried About You”
The following phrases convey care and support—without unintentionally feeding guilt or shame:
“I care about you.”
“What do you need right now?”
“I want to support you—how can I help?”
“You’re not alone.”
“I'm here, whenever you want to talk.”
These phrases shift the focus from your feelings to their needs. They empower, rather than burden.
Be Honest, But Be Kind
Let’s be real—we all feel frustrated, helpless, or scared when someone we love is struggling. And sometimes, “I’m worried” slips out when what we really want is for things to change—so we can feel better too.
There’s no shame in that. But when we communicate from this place without awareness, we risk piling more shame onto someone who’s already hurting.
How to Offer Support Without Causing Harm
Pause before you speak. Ask: is what I’m about to say for them or for me?
Avoid centering your own discomfort. This moment isn’t about how their pain affects you—it’s about making space for their experience.
Listen without needing to fix. Just hearing someone out is often the most healing thing you can do.
Practice empathy, not urgency. Support doesn’t mean rushing them toward change—it means staying by their side through the messy middle.
Let’s Redefine How We Show We Care
It’s natural to worry. But worry isn’t the most helpful thing to offer.
Instead, offer curiosity. Offer patience. Offer presence.
Say:
“I care about you.”
“I’m here, no matter what.”
These are the words that create safety and connection, not shame and silence.
Final Thought: Your Worry Belongs to You
It’s okay to feel worry. But be mindful of how you express it, and own your feelings..don’t pass them on.
Support means staying grounded in your own emotions so the person you care about doesn’t have to carry them too.
Need help navigating tricky conversations with loved ones?
Explore therapy, support groups, and compassionate resources at www.fcfamily.co.uk. Learn how to build deeper connection through empathy and mindful communication.