Embrace your shadow? No one can be nice all the time
Yes, you read that right: no one can be nice all the time.
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist, believed that the Shadow is the hidden side of our personality — the parts of ourselves we repress, deny, or fail to recognise, yet which quietly shape our thoughts, reactions, and relationships. These are often the parts of ourselves we learned as children to hide because they were deemed unacceptable or unpalatable.
Why we repress parts of ourselves
Many of us learned as children to hide parts of ourselves that were deemed unacceptable or “too ugly.” Anger, neediness, ambition, vulnerability, confidence, desire…these aspects were quietly pushed aside in the pursuit of peace, safety, or acceptance. When we repress these parts, we limit our self-expression and authenticity, often unconsciously shaping how we behave in relationships.
When I meet a client who struggles to ever say anything negative about another person, I often wonder where their shadow has gone. What parts of them have become so repressed in the pursuit of peace or safety that they deny how they really feel, simply because it feels “too ugly”? I wonder if perhaps they're trying to appear nice for my benefit because they fear that otherwise I will judge them and then ultimately reject them in the same way that others have.
Recognising the signs of your shadow
Jung’s concept of the Shadow helps explain why certain fears feel so disproportionate or persistent. The disowned pieces of ourselves don’t disappear; they press against the edges of awareness, creating tension and unease. Anxiety can be a signal that a Shadow part is trying to surface, asking to be acknowledged rather than pushed away. Meeting these hidden aspects with curiosity instead of fear allows the tension to soften, because the psyche no longer has to work so hard to keep these parts locked out of sight.
If we deny these parts of ourselves, what else are we denying? Perhaps the gift of self-expression, the gift of authenticity, and the chance to live a life we truly choose.
The challenge of showing our shadow in relationships
But here's the reality .I won't run, even when people show me the ugliest parts of themselves…their biases, their hatred, their anger. This is where we start embracing and taking responsibility for all parts of ourselves, where we let down some of our defences and allow those less palatable parts of ourselves to truly be seen. When we are penalised for the very parts of ourselves we fought so hard to recognise, it is incredibly shaming. The parts of ourselves that speak up, that get past the childhood conditioning that we must be quiet or not make a fuss, are the hardest to forgive, especially when it affects those close to us.
Taking responsibility for all parts of yourself
Yes, this might seem oversimplified, but it’s a standard I set for myself and a standard I extend to others, particularly to those who are close to me. My role as a therapist demands honesty from me with my clients; it’s what they deserve. So why would I not do this in the rest of my life? I know this isn’t for everybody, but everybody is not for me.
Therapy and the privilege of being seen
To be let into that part of another person's world is truly a privilege and not something I take lightly. I stick around because this is the space where we start owning ourselves, letting down defences, and truly being seen.
So, if you're thinking about therapy or are in therapy and you're not showing your therapist your shadow, I wonder why that is. Maybe you can take a risk.